Books And Stuff

Well its been over a week and I have yet to step up my game on the blatant advertising front.  So here we go.  No I don't actually think I'm going to make money on the blatant advertising, this is more showing off the random things I've spent money on myself.  I'm horrible for buying shiny things.

Anyway, the cookbooks I ordered from Amazon came in. I got:

The Best of Chef at Home: Essential Recipes for Today's Kitchen
Chef at home seems like a great book.  Every other page is a full size color picture and Michael Smith is my favorite chef.  He randomly throws things in pots to see what happens and that's basically my entire cooking style.  Go get this one if you don't have it.  Love it.  I haven't tried any of the recipes yet but they are bound to be good.  Besides the whole point of Michael Smith is to make you go "Hey I have one of those and some of that over there.  I don't really have that, but lets throw this in and see what happens." so recipes are kinda beside the point.  Buy it for the food porn.  Buy it because he is awesome.  The recipes probably don't suck if you are the type who follows them.

Artisan Bread in Five Minutes a Day: The Discovery That Revolutionizes Home Baking
For me this book was a waste of money.  I like spending time on bread.  It kills the boredom.  But if you are always in a rush and want fresh bread at home his technique is probably a good one.  No food porn, I think the book only has 5 black and white pictures.  No I didn't count them.  Also the first chapter of the book reads like a slap chop commercial. I don't know that the infomercial carries all the way through the book because I got so bored I had to go back to Michael Smith.  I'll ruin the surprise for your though, he wrote an entire book based on leaving batches of dough in your fridge.  Yup, a whole book.  Oh well, I cant win them all.  Teach me to buy books online.  Err, hey, buy these books from my website....

On an unrelated entirely note. Why are the books in Canada always more expensive. I hate that.  You Americans always get such good prices.  I spent like twice what the amazon links are saying they cost and all I did was go .ca instead of .com.  I mean one of the books is even made here and then shipped to the states.  Bastards. And if you go to the American site they just charge you the extra in shipping.  Grrr.

On another unrelated note.  If you live in Canada thats a GREAT rant to have really loudly in the romance section of a Chapters.  Especially if you throw in lewd comments about the people on the random `Approved by`and `So and So recomends` stickers that they have on all of the books.  It makes their employees LOVE you.  ``Oh! Heather recomends I get A Polished Hoe! Really! I don`t know who this Heather is but I like her!``

I do know who Heather is.  After my last rant one of their fine employees explained in great detail who Heather is and why her opinion should matter to me.  I may be the only straight male in history to actually know who Heather is.  Go me.

Ahem, ya.

While I am pimping things I may as well also give a plug to a couple of groups I joined recently:

Mellow Bakers is a group where they put up 3 breads a month and you get to make them and post your results.  They plug it as the best way to share your kitchen with other people without actually going to the bother of sharing your kitchen with other people.  Seems like a cool idea.  You can make all or none of the breads and they aren't really that fussy about your participation levels.  Thus the Mellow Bakers name.  All the breads are chosen randomly from Bread: A Baker's Book of Techniques and Recipes.  I don't have a copy yet but they also post some of the recipes on their forums so I should still be able to participate while I am saving my pennies.

I also joined The Daring Kitchen.  I signed up to be a daring baker.  My understanding is everyone makes one baked good a month based on someones post and then does a blog posting up for it on the same day.  They seem to be pretty picky and they have a three strike rule for missing challenges.  I missed this months cut off date so I will have to wait for next month to get in on the action.

And if you like shiny toys as much as I do you should check out:

Breadpots - From My Kiln to Your Oven.  Judith Motzkin hand makes pots for bread.  Very pretty.  I haven't bought one yet and I don't know if I can since I haven't checked if she ships outside the states.  The pots look awesome though and I've seen them pop up on a few peoples blogs with perdy breads inside.  Get one if you have the pennies for it.  I think I'm going to have to dream for awhile yet myself.

Yes I did write all of this to fit in a bad Polished Hoe joke.  Deal.

On The Third Day, For the Third Time

Bubbles!  Hopefully I don't mess it up again!  I'm going to let it sit out for the day and not touch it in any way in the hopes that my murderous touch doesnt get it.  C'mon Goop, you can do it!

I'm actually thinking that maybe tonight I will get a second mason jar of Goop going.  I'm less likely to kill two.  Well, thats the theory.

One Week

Well it's been a week since me and Goop began our zany adventures in doing very little.  I'm writing this up on my lunch break and Goop is still sleeping.  I can't really blame it, its 2:30 in the morning.  Anyone sensible is still sleeping.  Still, I was hoping for a little more action after a week.  You know, at least second base.  I'm just saying. You know how many dinners I've sprung for now and still no action.  7.  One week.  And nothing.  Worst date ever but I won't dump it yet.

Apple Mead Sourdough

Tomorrow me and the wife are taking my mom out for breakfast for her birthday.  It was last week so I need to suck up.  I figured I would bring over some bread to go with breakfast.  Since I still have lots of mead and the last one turned out OK but needed some tweaking I decided to have another go at the mead sourdough bread.  This time I added some apples to it so that it would be nicer for breakfast.

Get some:
• 1 Cup of Sourdough Starter.  Since my goop is still not bubbling I added a cup of goop and a tsp of yeast.
• 4 Cups Flour.  I used white flour mixed with some whole wheat.
• 2 Cups Mead
• 1 Tsp of Baking Powder
• Pinch of Salt

Also get:
• 1/2 Cup of Sugar
• 2 Cups Mead
• 2 Tsp Cinnamon
• 1 Tsp Paprika
• Some Lemon Juice
• 2 Apples skinned and chopped into cubes. I used red ones.

Now:
• In a large bowl mix the flour, mead, starter, baking powder and salt.
• In a different bowl (I used a big beer stein myself) add the sugar, mead, cinnamon and paprika.
• Give the mix a good stir.
• Coat the apples in lemon juice.
• Add them to the stein.
• Put something on the apples so they stay covered in liquid and put them in the fridge.
• Cover the bread dough and put it into a warm oven.
• Walk away for 10 hours. I went to sleep.  I'm lazy.
• Knead the dough.  I added some more mead and flour since mine had dried out.
• Flatten the dough out into a long rectangle.
• Add the apples to the top of the dough. (strain them, keep the marinade)
• Roll the dough up around the apples.  Tuck the ends under and put it into an oiled and floured bread pan.
• Walk away for an hour and let it rise.
• Paint some of the apple marinade on top of the loaf.
• Slash the top a few times.  I forgot to do this and I got big tears along the sides.  Oops.
• Cook in a 350 oven for 45 minutes.
• Take out and let cool.
• Give to your mom because you are a suck up.

I haven't actually tried this yet since I'm giving it as a gift in the morning but it looks like it will be good and it smells delicious so give it a try.  I'd imagine you don't need mead.  Maybe a nice apple cider, or apple juice, or water.  Whatever.  I just have a metric ton of mead to get rid of.

I Killed My Goop

So should you ever find yourself writing a blog about a sourdough starter that you have affectionately named Goop and should you have JUST finished posting about how it's coming alive again, here's what not to do. Don't leave the sourdough starter in your oven while its pre-heating to make sourdough mead bread. It's probably a bad idea. Take it from me, I'm an idiot, we know these things.

I didn't actually bake it. I just got it really really hot. Is that the same. It's not like it turned tasty and delicious. It just turned into a nice steamy goop soup. I believe the French may call such a concoction a rue. I could be wrong, I'm not French. I'm barely good enough to ask where the library is. I do know how to ask how to get to the computer room and if I can have some coffee. That's all that's really important. Oh well.

Just incase you didn't read how to make your own goop here's a quick run down. Take jar, add equal parts flour and water, stir.  In my case I had the extra step of cleaning out the burned smelly mess from the jar before adding flour and water.  You can probably skip that step.

So we are back to day 1 of making goop. Such is life.  One day you are nurturing a new civilization of little yeast babies, the next day you are brutally killing millions by boiling them in their own fluids.  I told you this could get lethal. On the up side, if my goop starts up again on day 3 I get to make a lot of people angry.

J'ai besoin d'un café.

Sourdough Mead Bread

So this morning I decided I would try that sourdough mead bread idea I had the other day while writing up the recipe for mead.  In the end I got a rather mild tasting sourdough with just a hint of mead flavor.  It didn't puff up like you would expect sourdoughs to do but that's probably because I cheated.  I ended up with a crumb that was basically the same consistency as white bread from the store.

Making Mead Sourdough Bread:
• I added about a cup of my Goop to a metal bowl.  Should you be lacking in goop feel free to use the sourdough starter sitting in the back of your fridge.
• I added about 3 cups of a brown/white flour mix.
• I added about a cup and a half of warm mead.  I didn't actually boil the alcohol off, I just warmed it up.
• I added about a tsp of yeast.
• I stirred the bajezus out of it.
• I put it into a warm oven for about 6 hours to hang out.
• I took it out of its nice warm oven.
• I kneaded it for about 10 minutes. It was the nicest feeling dough I've ever made.
• I put my blob of dough back into the oven.
• I waited about 2 hours.
• I beat it up some and put it into a bread pan.
• I waited about an hour.
• I took it out of the oven.
• I preheated my oven to 350.
• I painted on some mead to make my crust crispy.
• I sprinkled some 7 grain mix onto the crust.
• I put the bread into the now hot oven.
• I walked away for 45 minutes.
• I took it out and took a fancy picture.
• I put a quarter of my mead sourdough bread directly into my belly.
• I put a quarter of my mead sourdough bread directly into my wives belly. OK she did this part on her own.
• I gave half of my mead sourdough to my mom because mothers day is coming up.

Goop - Day 4

OK, so the first person who did this was insane.  "Oh I'll just stir that in, we'll cook it up in the morning."

Anyway, looks like I'm starting to get something growing in my goop again.  Hopefully its the something I want.  Guess only time will tell.

In other news, I took half my goop and added some mead, yeast, and flour and decided to try that mead bread idea I had yesterday.  Sure its cheating and the Internet tells me that now I have a sponge not a goop, but oh well.  I still kept the bit in the mason jar free from the evils of proper yeast.  My sponge and my goop are sitting in a warm oven turning all kinds of pretty smells and colors while Im sitting here freezing.  We'll see how making bread with it turns out in a few hours.  I'll probably write up a recipe or something later today.  Assuming I live through trying it.

Mead Bottling Day - Making Mead

G'day again. No update on the goop today. It's still goop in a jar beside my coffee pot. I fed it, I stirred it, it gets old. So today let's play with some mead.

It's my day off and I've been procrastinating on finishing my mead for a good month now so I figure today is as good a day as any. I made this particular mead (and recipe) for my friend Brian. Since I'm a few months behind my timeline I'm sure he'll be more than happy to take it off my hands once I finish bottling it.

Anyway, while I'm bottling my mead, here's how you can make your own. I know this is off topic, but hey, get used to it. Besides, mead and bread go great together. You can drink mead with bread or just dump the mead right into the goop (Boil off the alcohol and let it cool first). Mmmm.

In typical me fashion I have a recipe for this that I don't ever follow so here's a "best guess" as to what I threw into the mix based on remnants of ingredients I found leftover and what I kind of remember there being.

Equipment you need:
• Primary Fermentor (Big bucket that holds 6ish gallons and has a lid)
• 2 Secondary Fermentors with airlocks (Get "better bottles" from a wine making shop.)
• Siphon Hose (Don't use the same one you use to steal gas.)
• Big Spoon (Like 3 feet long, or anything you can stir a full bucket with)
• Wine Filter (Optional, but you can rent them cheap.)

You can always get the equipment on sale at your local wine making shop.  Usually they will sell you everything you need bundled together with a kit of wine at a super low price just so that you will keep coming back to buy more wine kits.  If it isn't on sale when you go, find a new wine shop.  The one you're at is an overpriced haven for hipsters and a den of evil.

Ingredients:
• 7 kg Bucket of Honey.  Go to a farmers market if you can.  Its cheaper and you want the tastiest honey you can find.  None of that crap from the plastic bear.  A good honey is the most important ingredient, spend some money and get the good stuff.  7 kg works out to about 1 1/2 large ice cream pails worth.  Don't have enough? Add some sugar.  Too much? have a sandwich with it and dump the rest in. You don't need to be exact here.  Just remember what you did for the next time so you can adjust it to your taste.
• 5 Gallons Warm Water (I use a water cooler jug, boil one pot and add it back)
• 1 Jug of Apple Juice (The kind without preservatives). 

Make sure the juice, the water and the honey fit into the bucket.  Remove some water if you need room.

• 1 to 500 Cinnamon Sticks
• Cloves (mine doesn't get cloves, I'm allergic, but they make it better)

And some cracked out chemicals:
• 25 Tsp Acid Blend (I bet there's math here, but really, they sell you a huge bag. You may as well use it all, how often do you need this stuff.)
• 1 1/4 Tsp Wine Tannin
• 5 Tsp Yeast Nutrient (I probably used more but this is based on some "Nick" math and the original recipe)
• 5 or 6 Campden Tablets (1 per gallon, crush em)
• Optional: Baggie of Wine Yeast (Ask the guy at the store what kind you want, he's smarter than me and yeast is a snooty business).  You can just let your mix ferment naturally without adding yeast but its riskier and with the time frame involved on mead I tend to like to guarantee success.  If you are feeling really brave, throw some sourdough starter in there and let me know what happens.
• Optional: 3 Tsp Bentonite (What is Bentonite? Dirt.)  Do NOT cheap out here and just use dirt.  Dirt experts make Bentonite and the stuff is dirt cheap anyway.  Stir it in at the start and it will help clear out some of the crud from your mix.  Try and leave all the Bentonite stuck to the bottom of your bucket when you syphon the first time.  As an added bonus you can eat your left over Bentonite. Yup, people do it.  Little bit o' dirt makes ya healthy they say.

All the cracked out chemical ingredients are like a dollar at your local wine making shop. Bring the recipe and look like a deer in headlights, they will hook you up after mocking you for even attempting to make mead.  As an added bonus most of these chemicals come in little vials and baggies.  When you get some water boiling and your mixture into your bucket it really helps add to that mad scientist/crazy witch motif when you've got random vials of stuff to throw in.  Make sure to laugh maniacally/cackle as you stir.

Right, now that you have all your ingredients and the guy at the wine store had ample time to mock you while you gazed in wonder at all the shiny toys you really need to buy we are ready to go. Technically what we are making is a mix between a cyser and metheglin, not actually mead. Well, unless you consider those mead. The Vikings will probably come to kill you for bastardizing their drink either way. Anyway, my brain says honey + water/booze = mead and no Vikings yet.

Instructions:
• You want your honey to be pourable so heat it if you have to.  I microwaved mine for like 10 minutes because I couldnt even get a knife in it to get it out of its bucket.  I'd imagine classier people probably do something with a double boiler.
• Mix everything except the yeast and the campden tablets into the warm water that's in your bucket.
• Wait for the mixture to cool to around room temperature.
• Add yeast (be sure it's not too hot when you do this, yeast goes retarded when it's hot and makes little retarded yeast babies. We care about the intelligence of our yeast.  Different yeast will have different "too hot" points, so ask when you are buying it.)
• Depending on what side of the fence you sit on, you can stir or not stir. Shakespeare doesn't care. I stir the yeast in.
• Put lid on bucket.
• Walk away for a week. If you have OCD you can stir the mix a few times a day.

Dump a bunch of goop into a bucket and stir it for a week, where have I heard these instructions before...

• Siphon the mix into a secondary fermentor, try and splash it around some when it goes in. Splashing it all over helps to get rid of some of the carbonation.  Leave out the disgusting goop at the bottom when you are Siphoning.
• Stir the ever-loving crap out of it till your arms fall off and you want to cry.
• Put the airlock on and walk away.
• Wait three weeks.
• Siphon it into the other bottle. Stir the ever loving crap out of it. Attach the airlock and walk away.
• Wait three months.
• Add the crushed up campden tablets and stir them in until they are dissolved.
• "Rack" your mead. No no, put the ropes away. Just siphon your mix into the other bottle. Try not to splash it around and don't stir it.
• Rack it every three months or so.
• It's good to bottle when it turns clear. I've never seen it turn clear myself so I think this is a myth. But hey, all the recipes say so. Whatever, mine turns like the picture. Usually you are good to go after about a year. It's not going to mind if you wait a little longer.
• Optional Nick approved step. Since I primarily make this to laugh at my rampant alcoholic friends I usually dump in a bottle of everclear before I bottle it. Rum tastes nice too. If you aren't a rampant alcoholic feel free to skip this step, but hey, if you have some laying around.
• Siphon it into bottles so you can store it and drink it later. Or don't. I put mine into brown pop bottles for stylish redneck points. They sell them at every wine making store.
• Wait a few months after it gets bottled before you drink it.

Nicks Notes:
• Whenever you are making your own alcohol make sure everything is sterilized before you use it.  Every time, no exceptions.  This is extra true for mead.  Mead takes a year.  If you screw it up on the first day, it takes a year for you to know. A year.  Don't mess around here.  This isn't goop in a mason jar that you can throw out after a few days if it doesn't work.
• When you aren't playing with the mead keep it in cool dark place. Booze is like vampires really, the dissolving and turning into crap in the sun kind. Not the sparkly kind. Though sparkly booze is good too. OK, back on topic now.
• Don't drink it before its good and ready (like when you are siphoning it). It will knock you on your, err, duff and make you puke all over your floor. Trust me, I'm an idiot, we know these things.
• I think with everything together (including equipment and a wine kit) my start up costs for this project were right around $110. When you consider that you get 6 gallons of mead out of the deal and after the first time the equipment is free it turns out to be fairly affordable.
• When you go to bottle the last time it isn't a bad idea to rent a wine filter (or buy one if you are going to do this a few times). Depending how thick your mead is the filter can turn into a real mess though. I had to replace my pads three or four times the first time I made mead. The second batch all went through on one set of pads. Other people "cold filter" mead. I'm lazy and that looked like work.
• Once your mead is done you can freeze some and collect the liquid that doesn't freeze. It's a nice liqueur (and it has a snooty name too, but I don't remember it). It's crazy sweet and I don't personally like it, but, other people swear by the stuff. So give it a try. It's not like there's going to be a shortage of mead once you're done, you may as well play with some.
• You can of course replace the apple juice and spices with anything else that you want as long as there are no preservatives in it.  Or just leave them out entirely for purist mead.  Just remember that whatever juice you add is going to ferment so make sure you like ~fill in the blank~ cider if it's going into the bucket.  If you are just going to add cider be sure to boil off the alcohol so it doesn't kill your yeast.  Or just add the cider at the end (with the everclear).

Back To Work Goop!

Well after its day out in the yard my goop still isn't bubbling up for me so I'm sending it back to the office.  After a nice meal of brown flour and water it gets to hang out beside the coffee machine while I work.  Hopefully it doesn't start too many dreadful rumors about me.

Sorry about the short posts but lets face it, for the next few days all I've got to work with is goop in a mason jar.  If my goop would just get back to work maybe I can start glooping the goop into some bread dough soon.

Starter In The Sun

I know what you're thinking.  You're thinking he just needs some gasoline and a couple of planks of wood and hes ready for the party.  But, you're wrong.  He's my new garden goop complete with pointy hat and kung-foo grip.  Kung-foo grip sold separately.

In other news there's no bubbles this morning at all. I'm thinking my little goop babies didn't like that I changed up their soup.  I really don't want to go back to the stinky flours though so I'm going to put my starter out in the sun for the day and hope the warmth gets my goo back to pigging out on itself.

On second thought, maybe I'll put my goop into the barbecue.  My neighbours already keep the authorities on speed dial, no need to provoke them today.  I've got all summer for that.